Fondue for Two S3 edition
by Holdontohope
Summary: Season 3 is really lacking in two of my favorite things: Brittany and Fondue for Two, so here is some of both of those things!
1. Chapter 1

Fondue for Two

Season 2 and 3 spoilers. Some innuedos. 

***I am really missing Fondue for Two, during season 3, so I felt like writing some episodes. This may be a few chapters. If you have any one that you would like to be interviewed let me know.

"…That's some hot dish, fondue for two!"

"Hello everyone, my name is Brittany S. Pierce and this is my talk show, Fondue for Two. Here with me today is R. Berry. Don't tell anyone, but I think she is secretly R. Kelly." The camera zooms in to Brittany whispering this last bit.

"Brittany, no one calls me R. Berry. I think you must have me mistaken with some other person." Rachel says, with a perplexed look on her face.

"You are right, I was thinking of Lord Tubbington. Who by the way, is protesting and refuses to appear today. So we will have to deal with other strange people. Like the hobbit." Brittany says with an eye-roll.

"I resent that remark, I am not a hobbit. You have been listening to Santana too much."

"So you deny the fact that you shave your feet?" Brittany asks as Rachel gasps.

"I do not have hairy feet, look I will show you." Rachel says and pulls off her loafers and knee socks.

"Oh, so you do shave. You heard it first—the hobbit is clean shave. Speaking off shaving, do you prefer to wax or shave your lady parts?" Brittany asks and looks intently at Rachel.

"Oh my Barbara, I am not even discussing that with you. Can we talk about my awesome singing voice or my amazing acting abilities?" Rachel asks beaming at the camera. There is a silence…and Brittany shakes her head no.

"You can save that for Jerry Springer. Fondue for Two is about juicy gossip and cheese. Since you are a vegan we can't discuss cheese so let's talk gossip. I heard that a hobbit and the jolly green giant did it. And by hobbit, I mean you. Care to confirm that rumor?"

Rachel opens and closes her mouth and stares between Brittany and the camera.

"I will take your silence as a confirmation. Thank you for confirming that you are no longer a virgin. Does this mean you will start dressing better? I could use the yarn from your sweaters for Lord Tubbinton's workout. Chasing yarn is good for cats.

Rachel remains silent, and gaping at Brittany.

"No comment." Rachel finally sputters.

"Alright, well, considering you are boring, there is nothing else to talk about, unless you want to address the rumor that Finn is really bad in bed." Brittany prods.

"I refuse to answer that. That would be like me asking if Santana was any good in bed." Rachel said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well duh, everyone knows she is amazing." Brittany retorts, making Rachel blush. "This concludes this week's episode, where we learned that although Rachel is no longer a virgin, she is still Rachel Boring-Berry. Stay tuned for next time when I will have a special guest, Rick the stick. No wait, he declined. Almost everyone did. Sugar Motta will be our next guest, so brace yourself."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hello and welcome to Fondue for Two. I am your host Brittany S. Pierce and with me today is Sugar Motta." Sugar waves hello. "In honor of you being here Sugar, I have prepared a very special dish. I have warm Mott's applesauce and sugar cubes. Dipping sugar into Mott's is delicious!" Brittany dips a sugar cube into the applesauce, as Sugar gets confused.

"My last name is Motta, not Motts. Although we are rich, we don't own the applesauce place. I prefer caviar. Sorry-Asperger's." Sugar says and sticks her nose up in the air.

"That's fine, more for me. So Sugar, there aren't a lot of rumors about you yet, so we will start with the ones that I have made up. Is it true that you are such a terrible singer that Principal Figgins banned you from solos or duets, or anything but "oohhhs" and "ahhhs."

"No, that is not true. He banned me from solos and duets because he was worried that I would crush Rachel Berry's fragile self-esteem. I don't understand, it would be like a reality check for her. She sucks." Sugar said without bothering to apologize.

"I totally agree, she does need a dish of humble pie. Maybe that is what I should have made for her when she was on my show. But I don't know if humble is in season right now." Brittany ponders, while Sugar also appears to be thinking hard.

"Anyways, Sugar, how about a more serious rumor. There are allegations, that you are from the future, and that you are actually the love-child of myself and Santana."

"Well, I can see why some people might think that. All three of us are hot. And I have Santana's vicious words and your genius brain." Brittany nods, as Sugar continues. "However, my father got upset when he heard those rumors and has shown me a notarized birth certificate. So while I wish I could confirm that rumor, I can't." Sugar pouts.

"Santana is going to be really disappointed. We might need to cut this show short, because I think she might have a breakdown. That and I really don't know what else to ask you about." There is an awkward silence, and Brittany's phone beeps. She looks at her phone and smiles at the camera.

"This is a text message from Santana. It says..Sugar, no offense but I knew you weren't our child. You are not nearly as pretty as either Brittany or I, you don't have enough of my attitude, and you are not nearly as smart as Brittany. Sorry-Bitchbergers." Brittany and Sugar both look puzzled. "I think she meant Hamburgers. That doesn't make any sense." Brittany and Sugar both re-read the text and scratch their heads.

"OH! I get it!" Sugar says excitedly. "What she means is Bitch, the burgers are here." Brittany gapes at her and shakes her head no. Brittany presses some buttons on her phone. A moment later the phone dings.

"Santana would like to explain it. It is a play on words, whatever that is. She says you have Aspergers, and she has Bitchbergers, which means she says she can say whatever she wants because she is a bitch." Brittany and Sugar look at each other and shrug their shoulders.

"Well, since Sugar doesn't have any more rumors floating around about her, and she won't eat my Mott's, I think we will end the show. Sugar, would you like to make any closing remarks." Brittany asks.

"You people need to think up some more rumors for me. I don't care if they are true or not, just talk about me. I am definitely more interesting than that R. Berry hobbit."

"See you next time, when I will be interviewing Quinn Fabray, who finally accepted to come on the show. Stay tuned for this tragic story that follows the captain of the celibacy club down a rocky road of teen pregnancy, to pink hair, topped off with episodes of complete mania. She makes Sugar and I look normal." Brittany says, while Sugar nods her head rapidly in the background.


	3. Chapter 3

"Today on Fondue for two, we have Quinn Fabgay!" Brittany says excitedly into the camera, while Quinn rolls her eyes.

"Brittany that is not my last name, it is Fab-RAY. Just because Santana says it doesn't mean it is true." Quinn says firmly.

"It is not just Santana. There are internet rumors about you and Rachel all over the place. Fanfiction, Jacob's blog, Paris Hilton dot com." Brittany informs Quinn.

"You mean Perez Hilton? Those are all not factual at all, Brittany. I am as straight as a board." Quinn says trying to be calm.

"So, you would deny any rumors that the reason you went totally bonkers at the beginning of this school year because you are hiding your sexuality?" Brittany says batting her eyelashes at Quinn, who gapes at her.

"That is all blatant lies, who is making that up? Jacob?" Quinn says, her eyes darkening.

"It's Lord Tubbington's theory. But he might have heard it from me, and I might have heard it from Sue." Brittany admits.

"Can we move on to another topic?"

"Of course. Is Babygate 2011 true? My sources say you were trying to get Beth back." Brittany asks looking very serious.

"Fine, that's true. I realized it was a stupid idea though. So, yes I may be a bit confused about this whole baby thing, but I am not confused about my sexuality." Quinn says looking very agitated.

"Some of my sources say that because of your problems with your Dad, you don't trust men, hence the reason why you may be struggling with your sexuality." Brittany says with a deadpan expression.

"Brittany!" Quinn shrieks.

"Ok, Ok, fine. If I have one last thing in regards to your sexuality, will you let it happen, and then I promise I will stop?" Brittany says, smiling sweetly.

"I would be more than happy to oblige."

"Well, let's all thank Santana for permission for this one." Brittany says and Quinn looks confused.

Brittany moves over by Quinn, cups her chin and kisses Quinn. Quinn appears to be frozen and viewers began texting to discuss whether they heard Quinn give a very soft moan or not.

Brittany pulls away with a proud smirk on her face. Quinn is still frozen. There is pause while it appears that Brittany is thinking very seriously.

"Sometimes words can't confirm or deny a rumor, so you have to take actions in your own hands. Or lips." Brittany says while Quinn has a vacant expression in her eyes.

"Well, thanks for joining us today. Next time on Fondue for Two, my girlfriend has agreed to come on the show—that was what she wanted in order to let me kiss Quinn. So stay tuned for the two hottest girls in all of Lima and beyond."


	4. Chapter 4

"Fondue for two is back. I am here with my favorite person, my girlfriend, Santana Lezpez!" Brittany says pointing excitedly to Santana who is sitting next to her.

"Britt, you can't call me that." Santana whispers, while smiling at the camera.

"Why not? Puckerman says it all the time." Brittany whispers back.

"Puckerman's a d-bag." Santana whispers back and Brittany nods.

"Sorry about that, Santana the beautiful, amazing, and talented is here today. I am going to try my best to focus on the show, and not get distracted by the thought of sweet lady kisses and other such things…." Brittany trails off, and viewers text to discuss whether Santana actually blushed.

"So San, it's pretty much common knowledge that you have had a bit of an interesting year. From the jolly green giant outing you in the hall, to our epic first public kiss at the Sugar Shack…it's been quite a year. How do you feel?" Brittany asks.

"You know, it's funny. I used to care so much about what others thought, but as time went on, I realized the only person I want to think highly of me, is that beautiful blonde I am dating." Santana said smiling sweetly. Brittany smiles and looks like she is trying to remember what she was going to ask next.

"I've heard that you have been an inspiration to people who have been struggling. If they are watching today, what would you say to them?"

"I would say, focus on what matters and realize that those that love you will be there every step of the way. And for those that don't support you, well, it sucks, I'm not going to lie. But it is worth it, to be true to yourself." Santana finishes and Brittany gazes adoringly at her.

"Well. I do have some viewer questions. Let me pick out the ones that Lord Tubbington screened as acceptable. First question, Are you a top or a bottom?"

Santana gaped. "Brittany! We discussed that we are not going to talk about our private, personal matters."

"Oh." Brittany said frowning. "I thought it wanted to know if you like the jelly on top of or below your peanut butter. Alright, next question. Is it true that you have razor blades in your hair?"

"They only make an appearance if someone threatens someone I care about." Santana replied.

"Is it true that you have had a fantasy about you and I having a threesome with either Quinn or Rachel?" Brittany deadpans to the camera. Santana about falls out of her chair, while furiously shaking her head no.

"Wow, how about I address some rumors that I have heard instead." Santana said. Brittany nodded in agreement.

"First, the rumor that you can 'fix me,' that I just need the right guy, like some captain of some sports team. That is FALSE. And that is also harassment, so back off." Santana said viciously to the camera, while Brittany gazed at her adoringly.

"Second, I hear that some people think that Brittany won't graduate, and I hear people joke about it when they think I am not listening. Newsflash—my Britt is the sweetest, kindest, smartest person in this whole town. She is brilliant in a way none of you losers can understand. So if I hear you talking about her again, you will see those razor blades." Santana ranted.

"Maybe they are right," Brittany said softly. "Maybe I will not graduate." Santana moved closer to Brittany and took her hand.

"No, they aren't right. They don't know how hard you try, how much sweat, blood and tears you have put into your work. So don't for a second let them bring you down. I believe in you, baby. I'll do whatever it takes—tutoring you, staying up all night to help you get projects done, anything." The two gaze at each other adoringly, and Brittany gives Santana a small peck on the lips.

"Thank you Sanny….but when we have tried tutoring before it hasn't always worked out. I get too distracted by the schoolgirl-teacher fantasy and then-" Brittany is abruptly stopped the only way Santana knows how to quiet her-by kissing her.

As they pulled away, Brittany smiles and gives a little sigh. "Well, that's a wrap of today's show, because there is something else I would rather do. See you next time." The camera fades out on the girls making out.

_Who do you want to see next time on the show?_


End file.
